Taking Care of Myself

I have dealt with depression since I was about 13. I didn't know it then, but as I got older I realized I had been suffering for too long and finally got help. I went on anti-depressants when I was about 18 years old. I stayed on them for about a year and then stopped. I thought I was fine but really wasn't. I still suffered with depression but thought I could fight it on my own since I felt better than I did as a teenager.

 So for less than a decade I went on with my life. After my divorce in I thought it was best I go back on medication. It took me a year after the divorce before I realized it though. I was on it for about six months before I met Adam. I continued for about a month after we met and then stopped (with the approval of a doctor). I was happy again and felt I could handle dealing with my emotions. Here we are over three years later. The past two plus years have been a struggle for us I fertility wise. For some couples it tears them apart. For us it has brought us closer. Our relationship is still as strong as the day we met, if not stronger. In the past year we have also had a lot of illness around us. My aunt is dying of ALS, one of our friends is dying of brain cancer, and we recently found out two family members in Adam's family now have cancer (I won't go into details). The last last two cancers we found out on the same day as our negative pregnancy result. May 9 was NOT a good day. The next day Adam left for his two week annual training for the National Guard. 

Needless to say the last two weeks have been rough. I decided to call my doctor and ask to go back on medication. During the last two weeks I tried to stay busy since Adam's not here, but I had no motivation to do anything. I had been going to the gym about 4-5 times a week up until the embryo transfer. I stopped during the wait up until my blood test. Once I found out it was negative I busted my butt at the gym because I was so sad and angry. I had only been to the gym one other time after that before I called my doctor earlier this week. I literally have just been sitting on the couch, watching TV or reading for grad school. I knew it was time to start taking care of myself. I've only been on the medication (which is safe should I become pregnant; I can the continue to take while pregnant) for a few days so I'm sure it's not working just yet, but I have hope. I'm getting happier because I know Adam will be home soon. That's helping me out, but I know I will still need to stay on the meds. I need the motivation to get back to the gym. I always feel better after I work out so getting there is the challenge. I finally went today and I ran a 5K! Most people might consider it a jog, but I still ran all but .3 miles. I feel proud as I haven't done that since August last year. The most I've done is two miles. I can go the distance on the elliptical but not running. 

Most people probably wouldn't have even known I have depression because I try not to show it. I don't have a problem sharing my experiences (whether depression or infertility) as I feel if I can speak about it, others might feel better knowing they are not alone. I know I will get better. It will just take time. :)